3 Reasons why men suddenly disappear by Joe Amoia

You know the scenario. You’re dating a guy and everything is going great. The chemistry is amazing. You’re actually beginning to think you’ve found “THE ONE”.

You’ve never felt more comfortable.  He’s saying and doing all the right things. And then…BAM…out of the blue, he does a complete 180. He turns into someone completely different, or worse he disappears.

You try contacting him to find out what happened. Your heart aches to know. You deserve to know. After everything you’ve been through together you deserve an explanation. But all your efforts to find out what happened are in vain because you never get the answer you are looking for.

So, why does this continue to happen? Why do men repeat this pattern with so many women?

Well, before we start exploring the reasons let me assure you that in the majority of the cases it’s not your fault!!!. Unless you are a psychotic, controlling, insecure woman who is unleashing your wrath on the men you date, a guy’s disappearing act has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.

In fact, the reasons most men pull a Houdini and suddenly disappear can usually be pinned down to one of three things:

Dishonesty

I know this may be hard for you to wrap your arms around, but some guys lie and tell you what you want to hear. They will say and do all the right things and then in a flash they will show you that their actions no longer back up their words.

These guys know that if they were to tell you the truth from the beginning that you wouldn’t allow them to get away with their selfish, immature and insensitive behavior. So instead of showing you their true colors from the beginning they put up a facade until they get what they want.

Guys like this tend to disappear once they get what they want or the relationship is no longer working for them. They also pull a disappearing act when they they start realizing that a woman is on to their B.S. So before they get caught and exposed for the frauds that they are, these guys will simply check out and move on to their next victim.

Fear

Believe it or not, men get afraid too. In fact, fear is a human condition that runs rampant in every human being walking the planet. Some guys express their fear by running away (or pulling away). It’s not that these guys don’t want to be honest, they’re just don’t know how to. They’re too afraid that if they do, it will lead to a consequence or experience what they don’t want.

Sometimes guys are afraid of telling you the truth because they don’t want to hurt you. They don’t realize that by not being honest they are actually hurting you more. And sometimes the fear runs much deeper. For some men disappearing has to do with their fear of commitment and intimacy.

Unconscious fears can run deep into the psyche of some guys much like those stubborn weeds which permeate deep into the soil.

Confusion

For some guys the disappearing act is often triggered by confusion. They simply do not know what they want. Dating a guy like this is often an emotional roller- coaster. You’re up one day and down the next.

In some instances confused guys simply need some space and time to get clear and figure things out. But for others because their confusion has more to do with unconscious fears which have come racing to the surface, the confusion can only be eradicated by the guy taking the time to do some deep soul searching or seeking professional help.

In all three of these cases the fact that a guy suddenly disappears is the only thing that matters. Yes, your bruised ego might feel a ‘lil better knowing the exact reason why a guy suddenly disappeared, but it still doesn’t change the fact that he took off and left you high and dry without taking the time to explain himself to you.

It is not uncommon for a woman to blame or question herself when a guy suddenly disappears. It is my intention to help you understand that as long as you are being your true self, you’re not doing anything to give a man a reason to leave. If he does, it falls solely on his shoulders and not yours!

http://digitalromanceinc.com/q-and-a/3-reasons-why-men-suddenly-disappear/

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How to Handle a Houdini: What to Do When a Guy Pulls a Disappearing Act BY Mandy Hale

There’s not a woman alive who this hasn’t happened to. Regardless of looks, personality, career path, success level, place in life, none of us are immune. And if it hasn’t happened to you yet, you can rest assured…it will. What is this phenomenon I speak of?
The vanishing act.

You’re dating someone new (or you’ve maybe even been dating someone for awhile), and things seem to be going well and progressing nicely when suddenly your love interest starts to pull back a little. Then a lot. Then, before you know it, you look up and he’s gone. Disappeared into the night with the stealth of Sherlock Holmes. No phone call, no explanation- not even a Post-It.

A lot of “experts” will tell you that you could be to blame for a man disappearing on you; you were too needy, too clingy, gave too much too soon– but I’m here to tell you that there are instances when a man disappears for the simple reason that he’s too weak or afraid to tell you that he doesn’t want to pursue the relationship further. Of course neediness and clinginess and giving too much too soon can certainly be factors in the demise of a relationship. However, don’t get caught up in blaming yourself, because at least as often as not, a man vanishes due to his own shortcomings rather than yours.

Here’s the bad news: once a man pulls the vanishing act, he rarely ever reappears. In fact, I’m convinced there’s a remote tropical island somewhere that houses all of our ex-Houdinis. I like to call it “The Island of Misfit Boys.”

But here’s the good news: 1) There are red flags you can look for that will alert you to the fact that you’re dating a Houdini, and 2) There are ways to respond to the vanishing act to ensure that just because your Houdini vanishes, he doesn’t take your dignity with him.

First, let’s look at the warning signs that your Romeo might in fact be a Houdini:

A Houdini typically appears out of nowhere, showing up in your life with the intensity of a freight train or a storm, taking you by complete surprise. The downside of this is that his sudden and unexpected appearance in your life can often trick you into believing it’s fate or magic at work. But here’s what you’ve gotta remember: Houdinis will vanish from your life just as suddenly as they appear.

A Houdini moves at warp speed. Everything about the relationship will feel rushed, from the first time he calls you “baby” to the first time he meets your parents to the first time- and probably last time- he vanishes from your life. As a woman it can be flattering to have a guy who seems so intensely INTO us that he can’t wait to take the next big step; but as the old love song says, “Wise men say, only fools rush in.” Bottom line, most people simply don’t Khloe and Lamar their way into TRUE love. Love doesn’t rush. It takes its time. Infatuation rushes, and most often burns out.

There will come a very obvious and defining moment in the relationship when a Houdini will start to back away. His calls and texts will dwindle. He’ll grow increasingly distant. His sweet lovey-dovey tone will change to more matter of fact and unattached. You’ll noticeably feel the currents shift. When this happens, ladies, the vanishing act is imminent and there’s honestly not much you can do about it. Men who pull the vanishing act typically aren’t mature enough to realize that a simple conversation respectfully ending the relationship is a MUCH kinder, gentler way to make their grand exit than simply dropping off the face of the earth. Or they DO realize it but they just don’t care. Never is a person’s character more evident than at the end of a relationship- and the bottom line is, if he’s the kind of guy who feels okay about just disappearing from your life, you’ve gotta be the kind of woman who loves herself and respects herself (even if he doesn’t) enough to let him stay gone.

Here’s the really ironic thing about the vanishing act that most men don’t realize. At least a decent percentage of the time that a man’s not feeling us, we’re not feeling him either. We ladies are highly intuitive and gut-driven, and we know when a connection is off with a man. So most of the time, the vanishing act isn’t even necessary, because it’s not like we’re going to go chasing after a man we don’t really want, anyway.

For women, the vanishing act isn’t painful because we’re gauging our eyes out or weeping and wailing and gnashing our teeth that a man doesn’t want to be with us; it’s painful because we don’t like being treated as though we are disposable. Frankly, we deserve better. I don’t know about you, but when I close a chapter of my life, no matter how short, I like to do it with respect and dignity. I feel like both myself and the other person is worthy of a better ending than a text message or a vanishing act. However, when that better ending is not available to me, I like to deploy what I call “The Graceful Exit.”

The Graceful Exit realizes that she’s worthy of an explanation, but that she may not get one. The Graceful Exit seeks closure, but not at the expense of her dignity. The Graceful Exit doesn’t cry, yell, bring drama, throw fits, or try in any other way to manipulate a man who doesn’t want her into sticking around.

She makes a solid effort to reach her Houdini in a calm, rational, classy manner and ask for a few moments of his time, either by phone or in person, whenever possible. Why? Because frankly, I think the “He’s Just Not That Into You” culture has given men too much of a pass. We’re allowing men to simply vanish from our lives with zero explanation or accountability, shrugging it off as “Well, he’s just not that into me.” NO. This is not okay.

If a man has been actively pursuing and wooing and doing everything in his power to stir your affections for him for a week or a month or even a DAY…he owes it to you to tell you in a direct and upfront manner when that pursuit is coming to an end. If a friend just disappeared from your life without explanation, you wouldn’t just let it slide, would you? So why are we so quick to do it with a man?

She realizes that once she has done all she can do to give the Houdini a chance to explain himself, and he’s still hedging… the only thing she can do is let it go. The thing is, most of the time a Houdini is a well-oiled machine. He has a “love ‘em and leave ‘em” operation that he’s been running since LONG before he made you his latest target, and “Explain yourself to the girl you just bamboozled” isn’t typically on his to-do list. So if you make contact in an effort to gain clarity and closure and he responds with excuses and evasiveness and shadiness, do yourself a favor and LET HIM GO. You have done your part. You have been every inch a lady, and you’re far too dignified to keep wasting time trying to teach him to be a gentleman.

When all is said and done, a Houdini actually does you a MONUMENTAL favor by disappearing from your life before you could get any further caught up in his not-so-magic tricks. Houdinis aren’t always bad guys- they just haven’t reached a level of maturity that allows them to see that any boy can woo and pursue a new girl every two weeks, but it takes a real man to dedicate himself to just one woman.

After all, the most magical thing about love is that it doesn’t take tricks and pizazz and abracadabra to win a woman’s heart. All it takes is a man who realizes that the catch is even better than the chase.

http://www.theconversation.tv/love/how-to-handle-a-houdini-what-to-do-when-a-guy-pulls-a-disappearing-act/

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Mandy Hale is affectionately known around the world as “The Single Woman™.” In just over two years, Mandy has garnered a massive Twitter following of nearly half a million people from across the globe. In her home state of Tennessee, only Al Gore and Dolly Parton have more followers! With a heart to inspire single women to live their best lives and to never, ever settle, Mandy cuts to the heart of the matter with her inspirational, straight-talking, witty, and often wildly humorous take on life and love. She’s also not afraid to talk about the many realities of being single in a world that still asks, “And WHY are you still single?” Less of a life coach and more of a big sister, best friend, or mentor to women as they walk the single girl walk, Mandy is the voice of every woman experiencing the incredible, beautiful, magic, tragic highs and the many challenges of single life. While she doesn’t have all the answers…she’s brave enough to ask the questions. Whatever life and love throws at her, she maintains her fierce belief in happy endings; and every column, Dash of Sass, or 140 character encouragement she sends comes straight from an honest, real, authentic place. Connect with Mandy online at TheSingleWoman.com, Facebook or on Twitter @TheSingleWoman.

Don’t Settle For What Doesn’t Make You Happy by Jill Neumann

This is the article that i found when the relationship had already started to feel weird. I could feel something was wrong, even though he wasn’t saying anything.
This article explains the whole situation the best.
Bottom line is: don’t settle! if it doesn’t make you happy, what is the point?

Don’t Settle For What Doesn’t Make You Happy

Why do we do it? We meet someone, we are semi-interested, we exchange info. We go out a couple times. We’re still very “meh” about the whole thing. Yeah, he’s alright, we think. And he does everything right. He calls and texts (but not too much), he does sweet things to let you know he’s into you, he makes and keeps future dates, he opens up. So you let down your guard, you open up, too. And you admit to yourself that you like him. Maybe this time is different?

 

And then it happens. His calls and texts get shorter and more sporadic. You feel like you’re the one always initiating. And thus begins The Doubt Game. You question everything. Is he not texting as much because he’s more comfortable with me and doesn’t feel the need to, or has he lost interest? Should I call him, or should I wait for him to call me? I’ll wait. That will show me that he’s into me. But it’s been a two days. Maybe he’s doing the same thing, waiting for me to call him. Should I call? Oh god. I’ve gone insane.

 

You date. It’s been a few months. But it’s not the same. He’s more comfortable with you, yes, but that’s not necessarily a good thing. He’s cancelled or postponed plans a few times because of A, B, C reason. They are all legitimate and understandable reasons. Work. A friend needs him to do something.

 

He’s just not feeling good. You understand. You accommodate. Because you are understanding and accommodating. You really don’t mind. Isn’t that what a good girlfriend does? Be supportive? Laid back?

No pressure here! Whatever, it’s cool!

But how much is too much? That’s the question.

 

Relationships are hard, people say. Yes, every individual is different, with different needs and timetables. But I say fuck that. Relationships shouldn’t be that hard.

You are a square peg. He is a round hole. Why are you trying to make your lives fit when they are different shapes?

 

If a guy likes you, he will go out of his way to show you. If a guy wants to keep you, he will go out of his way to keep you. If other things are a priority in his life other than you, then he won’t. And you will want to accommodate his schedule, his moods, his whims to stay in his life. You’ll call this “being understanding.” You’ll think it’s timing, that soon enough he’ll “grow” or “wake up” or finally realize how wonderful you are, that you’re the one who has always been there through thick and thin. Newsflash, ladies. He most probably won’t. This isn’t Julia Roberts’ latest rom-com. It’s real life. And if he has gotten used to your accommodating him, he also unfortunately has lost some respect for you. Who wants a spineless woman who bends to your every need?

 

I know someone who is soon marrying his girlfriend of eight years. He admits that he loves her, but isn’t in love with her. He says that they are very different, that they don’t have much to talk about as friends, that they bicker and fight. But time has built commitment, families know each other, and they are used to life with each other now. I said that sounds very sad to me. He said, “It’s not so bad. I pretty much do what I want.” He goes out with friends, drinks and smokes weed, hasn’t really changed anything for her and she has just learned to deal with it. Well I guess that’s good, I tried. “It is and it isn’t,” he said. “Because on one hand, yeah, I do what I want, but on another…” He paused for a long time before he started again, “I never learned to love anyone more than myself.”

 

That stuck with me. I always thought that self-absorbed guys with overly-accommodating girlfriends are sort of oblivious to their actions. But this guy wasn’t. He knew. He slowly lost respect for his girlfriend over the years. She never put her foot down and said, “DUDE. WTF. If you want me in your life you can’t do that. PERIOD.” So thus the tone was set and forever followed. They never fit. They just learned how to exist. And now they are getting married! Hooray! And they will probably have children, and continue to bicker. They may live a long and relatively happy life together. They’ve learned how to be with each other in their own way. But I doubt as teenagers they dreamed of this. They are not friends. And that is not something that I want for my life. And I doubt it is the type of relationship that you want for yours.

I realized this a while ago. I had a habit of reading people very well and sort of becoming what I thought they wanted me to be. Which was myself, in a way, but not completely. It was a dating game, a strategy. I think to a certain extent, everyone does this. Both men and women. Put your best foot forward. And then after you’ve gotten more serious, more comfortable, you relax a bit. I had a boyfriend actually say to me after about three months of dating, “Well we don’t need to really go out anymore since we’re boyfriend-girlfriend now.” What? No more going out on dates? Um. No. That’s not how I want to spend my life. I like doing stuff, duh, be it with a boyfriend or friends. Why would I want to stop just because we’re serious? That’s when the fun stuff should really start.

 

So, I tried something new. Something so simple that it was revolutionary. Be yourself. Yes, everyone says this, but I don’t think we ever really get it. Be who you are. State exactly what you want. If a guy does something uncool, tell him, Hey, that was uncool. I don’t like that. If he gets mad and turns it around on you, then ick. That’s not someone you want to be with! If he says, “I hear you on that; won’t happen again,” then wow, he respects you and cares enough to try to keep you in his life.

 

It’s so simple and obvious, but I think it’s so hard because we really, really want it to work. We want to will it so. So we make excuses for them (See: “Oh, he is just really tired and has been really stressed lately,” “Well he usually isn’t like this, it’s just he’s going through something hard right now,” etc.) and hold on to every shred of good that they give us. If they do ten things wrong but one thing right we grab on to that one thing. Actions speak louder than words, but we choose to believe the words even when they don’t match the actions. We lie to ourselves, to our friends. We want it so bad, we think if we’re just good enough, understanding enough, sexy enough, giving enough, they’ll want us.

 

Fuck. That. Noise.

 

Enough. We’ve all tried it. We all know people who have tried it. Multiple times. How many times has it worked? Think about it. How many people do you know who have waited and waited, accommodated, curved their bodies to fit their bow, and Tah-Dah! They ended up living happily ever after? I don’t mean ended up together, ended up married, because like the guy I described above, they don’t fit my definition of happy. So how many?

 

It just doesn’t work. TC mark

Thought Catalog

Why do we do it? We meet someone, we are semi-interested, we exchange info. We go out a couple times. We’re still very “meh” about the whole thing. Yeah, he’s alright, we think. And he does everything right. He calls and texts (but not too much), he does sweet things to let you know he’s into you, he makes and keeps future dates, he opens up. So you let down your guard, you open up, too. And you admit to yourself that you like him. Maybe this time is different?

And then it happens. His calls and texts get shorter and more sporadic. You feel like you’re the one always initiating. And thus begins The Doubt Game. You question everything. Is he not texting as much because he’s more comfortable with me and doesn’t feel the need to, or has he lost interest? Should I call him, or should I…

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